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Awake so early . 

Today my heart hurts. 
I have a week left. 
I don’t want this to end. 
Hold onto me big island. Don’t let me go. 
I was unsteady now I’m grounded. 
I was lost in faux. Now its all real. 
I was alive but hardly living. 

I like my feet getting cut up from walking over volcanic rock to get into the ocean.

To have my kona cold brew all day long.

I like a dirty truck from off roading and the seat wet from surfing in a bikini.

I want to pick the Wax melted into the truck bed.

To see a Turtle popping up when your paddling into the waves. Or a whale in the distance breaching! 

To go to sleep early to wake up early for the moonset. 

To drive a little way and see multi terrains and hike off the beaten track to find that waterfall! 

To do yoga while the sunsets and shavasana below the coconut tree that may just drop one if the wind picks up. 

I love not wearing makeup and my hair salty all day. 
To wear one layer only and to be barefoot. 

To smell buds in the air, so sweet!

I love pidgeon, it makes me smile! 

To eat poke bowls doesn’t get any better!  

I love waiting for a green flash and if not just the sky to light up so pretty, perfect endings everyday.
I love the Aloha on this Island. 

I love that it feels like home. 

I love that I love so many and feel their love. 

I love ocean. 

I love the sunshine. 

I love the big island. 

I will miss you. But I have a sneaky feeling I will be back! 🙏💙🌊

Change

Reality has hit, or maybe just facts have hit. As I’m living my reality but This step is coming to a close. 

So my life changed, I changed, my world changed 6 months ago. Everything I thought would be is now not. But it’s so much better.

I’m happy, I love life, I have passions, I love my self, my values have changed, my goals are different and ideals are new. 
I’ve met people and connected everyday. 

I’ve met people I will never forget. 
People that made my jaw drop or tears flow. 

I’ve fallen in love. 

I’ve been heart broken. 

I’ve met people who made me realise who I am.

I’ve met people who will be in my life for always and those who will be in my memories. 

Those who made me better and those who Showed me what I didn’t want to be.
I’ve learnt what Aloha really is and that it truly is more than a word. That peace, compassion and mercy are within us all, and it is our choice to live and love with that in everything we do! 

I’ve learnt the power of the universe. It gives you what you need, when you need it but to be careful what I ask as something’s came to bite me in the ass and give me a slap in the face to remember! 
I know a small direction my journey is taking but as far as my future I have no idea. I do know I will be ok, that I just now take the next path and that if it’s meant to be I will end up back where a big piece of my heart will be waiting. 
I believed in the universe but now I trust in it. 

I believed I had to try to be something different to me but now I believe in me. 

I believed I couldn’t but I now know I can. 

I believe my life has synchronicity and order and that I am in the right space at the perfect time.  

Came afriad

I came afraid of something I now crave.Afraid of its power and how unknown it flows.

The most untouched and unexplored vast mass on our earth. 

Even though it’s dangerous and foreign territory for me, it’s now clear that it can turn a low moment around in a single  wave. 
It makes me know everything is going to be all right.

It give me Belief, if gives me grounding, it gives me love, it gives me trust. 

It forever reminds me that everything is going to be exactly as it should be. And to trust that nothing is ever as it seems on the surface. 

The gracefulness that wild animals show me make it clear we as humans have lost it. But it shows me we can again have this. 

Underneath its surface there is proof, just needing to be treated with grace and dignity. 

We need to treat ourselves with the same respect. 

I’m thankful for it being my safe place. I’m grateful I have a safe place. 

I have a place of peace and solitude and a place that’s home wherever I maybe.

I have it to surround me when I’m weak and pound me into reality when I loose touch of myself. 

I have it to fire energy and wisdom into me always.

I am eternally thankful to the ocean for letting me fall in love with it. 
Always trying to get that spiritual moment of perfection, it’s letting me have it, live it, in moments I’m detached from the physical world.

If I have lived then it is easier to die , than if I live in a body afraid to do as I dream. 

Making memories now l, as when I go then I’m not going alone.

‘A sea wave is like all other waves,An energy.

From an energy source it starts with the sun. Bakes down and makes us hot and that cold.Makes that powerful giant star over thousands of square miles . 

So in a way that little wave has in it some of the wisdom of nature of the universe and then you catch it’

Doc Paskowitz 1956

Dream on…

“Dream on hayley Don’t look down there’s nothing here for you to see”

On the plane from Sydney to Melbourne to have Christmas with my god sister, my family! We are both far from home so we can connect and celebrate together as celebrations separate from our “dudwell” parties are never full celebrations. 


I’m then returning to Hawaii, I can’t wait, it’s calling me back! And the whales should be coming so I better get my paddling arms back for mornings chasing them. My next chapter is totally a blank canvas and I have no plan. No accommodation, car blah blah blah! Learning the art of loosing control at its fullest! It’s been a full on three months of getting to know many people, the island and myself so we will see what happens now! 

Australia was the last place on this wondrous earth that I wanted to come back to, I didn’t like the place because the memories were tough! But because of the encouragement of two precious people I returned, And it was the best decision! It’s been an amazing week back where I once lived and I saw the beauty of the northern beaches like I had never seen. It all slipped past me. It’s crazy how moment to moment, year to year you see things differently and your experiences are so different to the ones you hold in your memories.

It’s been a full on trip catching up with everyone I shared years with but haven’t seen for at least 8! It’s been amazing and I truly have friends I consider family. I’m exhausted though, this last week I’ve cemented more life lessons that I could of even imagined!

Reflecting back…14 years ago I came to Australia to find myself, I lost myself more that I ever imagined. 10 years exactly to date I returned to the uk And 2 years ago I found myself again and I’m now on my unbelievable adventure, it’s like a dream! 

It’s been a hell of a ride, I’ve carried a lot of weight inside about certain things and this whole trip has allowed me to get to a place i feel free and the negatives I carried can be seen now as positives and empathy. The northern beaches are pretty bloody beautiful! 

Hawaii is still for me at the moment, there’s a lot to see and experience! And until that voice inside says “I’m done” then I’m staying! 
…………………..I’m now on the flight leaving Melbourne, it’s been the most amazing few days and the reality has kicked in now, I’ve seen the friends I have chosen as my family, I’ve been spoilt rotten in a number of ways, mostly love! And now this next chapter truly starts! I have about 22hrs of travel before I hit Kona again. No plan, no structure, super tight budget, one solid friend on the island…. the rest is a mystery and i can’t even imagine where this ride will take me! Practice patience and peace (see the peace sign below that I flew over just before landing!)

Dream, pray, ask and hope to receive! 
“Dream on hayley

Your just about there don’t give up so easily 

Dream on hayley 

If you Don’t feel love then dreaming is the way to go

Dream on, you gotta Keep dreaming on! 

Some people trust people too much, sometimes that’s you

Shouldn’t be a bad thing, it’s more than i could do 

So much disappointment over the years, Willing to love completely but it always ends in tears. Your not Mad, not so mad… to me! 

Dream on hayley! 

‘James Morrison’

Right.

Closing time, nearly 3 months after packing up and leaving all that I know, I’m now going into the next 3 and the next phase. Don’t ask what it is as I’m not sure. But I will carry Aloha with me…

A, ala, watchful, alertness 

L, lokahi, working with unity 

O, oia’i’o, truthful honesty 

H, ha’aha’a, humility 

A, ahonui, patient perseverance

This island brings you here, it chooses you. Whether it be for a simple nudge in the right direction or whether it goes the whole way. People have come here and had their rocky marriage end and also fixed, come and started a fresh life from a dark past, come on a holiday and finally gained peace after the death of a parent and some simply just to learn to lead a simpler more raw life and real life. I’ve met them all and I know I will continue, and when we met and ask what made us come here, the answer is simple, we were brought here!

For me the gain of a simple and more raw life has certainly happened. But bigger than that like a loved rag doll given a new home… any seam that was slightly too loose on me has been ripped open fully. These past 12 weeks have been the most sensational journey of sewing myself back together. Before i would of said sewn back the right way, but Its not necessarily correctly, perfectly or what it should look like, it’s just different and stronger with a bit more flexibility than before! 

I was explaining this to my brother, as I spoke it sounded negative “being ripped apart and put together” but along this journey even the bits that were tough (and will be) or the fundamental core challenges for me haven’t felt horrible or I haven’t questioned them, they’ve felt right and that they have happened for an awesome reason! 

I suppose I’ve trusted that it will all be ok and everything happens and challenges us for the greater good. 
I’m sitting watching the sun set again whilst the surfers sit patiently on their boards waiting for that next wave to carry them, wipe them out or for them to be last in line and not stand a chance if getting it. This is the dream I had, the vision of what I would be experiencing, I’m in it! My feet are sandy, my foot is injured from wiping out yesterday from my best surf session yet, I have a couple of beautiful souls I can call my friends, and the biggest thing of all is I have no idea what I’m doing, where I’m going to be or what my future holds. But for the first time in my life I feel deep inside that I’m exactly where I’m ment to be and like I can’t control those waves coming in, I can’t control where next I will be. But I know it will be right!

When I’m 33…

When I’m 33…. Three is my number. It always has been. 33 has been a marker for something in my life. I don’t know what but for me it is like having a big birthday with a zero involved. 

I might say it’s going to be my year! But I also want to say it’s the next chapter for me. My life has been incredibly colourful, Ive been truly blessed but I have had many a down time or challenge. Now the page has turned and a new chapter has started, there is no plan, no timeline, the story will just unfold…. 

And 
I will embrace this next chapter, and park the past as amazing life lessons. 
I will carry on eating peanut butter and bananas the way I do, who cares, suck it up people watching me , one life live it! 

I won’t timeline my life away, life is happening all the time and it will continue to do this with out control. 

I will do what I feel is right and not what I think others want me to do. 

I will smile at a stranger everyday. 

I will continue to slice the icing off cake and the fondant off cupcakes! 

I will smile when I’m feeling mardy and play a song too loud whilst singing badly.

I will moisturise and put cream around my eyes. 

I will read the books I’ve started.

I promise I won’t worry about what others think. 

But I will always act with integrity, kindness, grace and love. 

I won’t should on myself. 

I will love myself for who I am and not try to be something different, I am enough!  

I will touch the ground everyday, wherever I am and whatever is going on!

 

I will exercise in some form everyday. 

I will exercise for my body’s health not for the aesthetic! 

I will see a new country or more each year! 

I will learn to meditate, try! 

I will practice doing a headstand in yoga and not be scared, I can only fall! 

I won’t be such an open book. But I will be open for the right People to read, it’s a pretty good read for the right people! 

I will say YES unless I have a great reason not to! Say no to nothing! 

I will spoil my niece, rotten!my angel face! 

I will show love to my family more everyday and to the people I choose to be my family! 

I will breath before I talk in confrontation. 

I will swear and not apologise, because I like it! 

Daily I will remember that reality is merely an illusion. 

I will put my phone on airplane mode at night,everything can wait!
I won’t apologise for my fussy food habits! I will date but not from online dating. 

And won’t settle, being single is pretty bloody great too!

I will go and get another tattoo…my papa was right you don’t stop at one! 

I will take time for me, real time. 

I PROMISE TO TRUST MY GUT! It’s always right even with small things, like my waterproof phone case will leak today! 

I will do all the things that scar me (like swimming with manta rays tonight)!!!!

I’m excited. 
I’m happy. 

I’m back. 

Flow….

So late to bed the Saturday of iron man… I can’t get out of bed on Sunday , totally exhausted so I just rest. 

That afternoon though I went to massage my new friend who is also taking me as his plus one to the athlete awards banquet! I did have an invite to the volunteers one but VIP to athletes seemed too good to say no to! 

The night was amazing, front circle listening to the most moving, powerful and mind blowing stories. Late teens to 80+ year old pushing their bodies and minds in a way I could only imagine! I met the male winner (below) repeat titles and so cool and calm-but every athlete is a finisher, all winners!!!

The week to follow was a let down. Emotionally it went from high to low in an instant. Adrenaline filled connections that suddenly had reality to contend with. If I was feeling like this I assure you the athlete I was now spending time with was feeling it in everyway, body and soul! And I imagine every other one was too! 
Something changed in me after iron man, it was a huge shift in me being here and what I want going forward. 

I withdrew from certain connections that weren’t complimenting my ethos and Come November I have decided to step away the circle I am in and see where the wind blows me, if these men and woman can do what they do I can do whatever the universe throws my way too! 

Romantically too I have had my eyes opened to a connection that has taught me to never settle again, I have always! And even though this particular situation isn’t right at the moment I know the feeling I’ve been looking for now and I know i can have it! 
To finish this roller coaster week of huge realisations and shifts, I finally headed to the lava flow in the north of the island!

 
The Lava flowing down into the ocean, the most incredible natural experience. We cycled a four mile rocky trail to then walk over solid once flowing lava to the edge of a cliff to watch this display, a bright red waterfall into the ocean. 

Last night also happened to be the night of the full “supermoon” all the ups and downs are let go and the moon represents the next stage for us all! 

So I’m there, the lava flowing and a huge bright full moon shining down! The place was alive, I laid on the solid lava and just felt a rush. You can’t describe going to the lava unless someone has been. 

It’s simply the most incredible feeling of energy and life! The flow of life is happening and like the ocean the power of the world, nature and the universe all around and out of our control! Life is still happening in a place that seems so desolate. 

It was simply amazing! 

Today I feel clearer. It will all be ok. Whatever I am meant to do, whoever I will meet, whoever I will love, it’s all planned and the “flow” is happening! It is all going according to plan! Seize the moment and not the timeline. 

Ironman!

The last few weeks in Kona have been a complete whirlwind of emotions and experiences.Iron man world championships came to town and 10000 athletes, families, supporters and fans flooded in! 

The island takes on a whole new buzz, a new energy and everything gets busier. The journeys take longer, there is no parking and the water was busy. 

Every morning for the last week or so I have been out paddling the iron man swim route. There would be groups and singles all practising their swim and often stopping as the dolphins came to play. It was awesome and made the mornings so alive. 

The few days leading up became more intense, the roads were full of training athletes as were the yoga classes and ocean. 

On the Friday it was volunteer registration. 5000 people volunteer to help, some first time like me, some who fly in from around the world and who have done this for many many years. I now see why! 

So I got my entry pass, my t shirt and a few more bits. 

I was ready! Already I felt pumped, it was buzzing! I love any sporting event but when your behind the scenes and a real part of it you instantly feel part of something greater than yourself! 

Saturday morning comes and obviously I couldn’t find any British regalia, so I purchased some red, white and blue nail polish and covered my arms and legs with GB and bridging markings! I was ready for what was going to be a very long day! 

Bring it on! 

2.4 mile swim, 112mild bike, 26.2mile is the most intense conditions. It was the biggest honor and most incredible experience I’ve ever had. I admire, respect and wholeheartedly applause all the athletes that raced kona but also that race iron man!  

For me this was the finale of my massage career. And I was blessed to have client such as my first, Cyril Viennot, a pro athlete from France.

 He finished 18th in the Ironman which is one of the most premier races in the world… he was sorely disappointed in his time! He missed the $140K award, but he earned $80K instead! Pathetic money for the dedication, commitment and expense they put into their And one kick-ass heavy medal! I had many clients, the women’s winner being one, so humble that I didn’t even know until I bumped into her a few days later! 

My massage role chopped and changed between having people constantly coming onto my table to doing medical runs, people collapsing, not being able to breathe, or feel their extremities. Behind the scenes was a mix of electric and war zone. I had never felt so alive and a feeling of being exactly where I was meant! 

I met an incredible Brazilian athlete who I joined for the evening to watch the final finalist, they were coming in 17hrs after the start, crawling, staggering, collapsing but all so proud and the crowd just carrying them to the end! 

I left that night about 1.30am… I can honestly say it was the best day of my life! I would and will do it all again! 

Tbc….

Down and dirty

Getting down and dirty with nature is definitely on the top of my list of things to get involved in whilst Im away! 

Yes I know your all wanting sexy surfer dude news but as I’m sure I’ve already told you all this “big island” is more like a small village…they say that one doesn’t miss out on a girlfriend/boyfriend they miss out on a turn! Nice huh! So due to that fact I may or may not have become a nun… will divulge once I see fit! 

So my down and dirty starts with a hike. I hiked a scared valley called Pololu a few weeks ago which was awesome. The weather started super hot and sunny and then dark windy and ery into full blown rain on the way back up! Just Mother Nature matching the varied terrain with weather! 

Next was White road, it was longer and and tougher with some even more insane views. We even got so lucky that the VOG (volcanic smog basically) cleared and we could see the waterfalls from Waipio the valley across.

A group of four of us went. The other three vey experienced sailors but also adventure junkies so I knew I was on for a wicked ride as only about 20mins in did we go off the beaten track to a waterfall. 

Freezing water they all dived under it, I was a chicken and just walked across! But we did proceed to cover ourselves in mud and now I felt we were full steam ahead into hiking mode! 

Reaching a look out point across the valley, waterfalls rushing down the side and the ocean peeping through in the distance. We couldn’t of been given a better day! 

 

Our destination was a “slide” tucked away that was basically part of the water works. So with icey water up to our thighs in pitch black tunnels we walked hunched through these concrete tubes. Only a head torch for light it was pretty scary but so fun shouting and singing until we reached the light! 

Once in daylight again there was a steep concrete “slide” a rope up the side to get you to the top to then fire yourself into a 2metre or so deep pool of water! It was a complete rush to say the least and I’m so happy I didn’t chicken out this time but once was defo enough! (Get ready to laugh at the video) 

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So to round it up it was my best day on the big island so far! It was fun, it was raw, it was real and I felt so liberated in so many ways! I’m so lucky to have met these new friends and I just know there will be more adventures like this! The only question is is whether I can keep up with them or not! 

Mahalo hawaii!!! 

Feeling low in paradise

Even in paradise days can be hard. I expected I would come away and start fresh and everything would be so smooth. But life doesn’t work like that and that may be the biggest lesson I’m learning. 

This is my view…….

But I’m not happy today. I feel lonely and frustrated and all over the place with my thoughts.  

I’ve left the big island for the weekend and am on Oahu! How lucky am I! 

I’m sitting on the beach next to pipeline, the beach where in November the wave will be so huge, like a tube and the best of the best will compete. 

However I’m here and I can only paddle out and not even catch a wave. There are 8 year olds carving up the waves and I can’t do it! I do know it’s ok. I wasn’t a kid surfing so how can I expect in two weeks of surfing that I will be out there in the big stuff! 
The passion people have for catching the next “big one” also makes them frustrated to teach a novice. They don’t want to miss out. I get that but ‘hey hey hey help me please’.

So I sit here and realise for nearly 5 weeks I’ve been out of my comfort zone. I’ve been staying in places I make sure I tidy my cup and fold my towel or walk around tip toeing in the eve so I’m not a sloppy house guest. A vast difference from living on your own m… And today this all hit me. I want to leave my dishes out, and washing on the floor! I want to be alone and not speak to another new person, I want a cuddle from my best friend and from my family. I want to drink prosecco!!! 

In all my learning though of the three principles I know my low feeling will pass and there is no point fighting it! I know this but need to live it and Just feel it. 

“Don’t you see, it is the thought that is the seed, the failure is the form. Without the thought it is virtually impossible to be  failure.” Second chance, Sydney Banks 

So I do not write this today to have a pity party or for people to feel sorry for me. I write it because it’s real. Life is real. The power of our thought is real wherever we are. We will always be ok. 

Just after these reflective moments I took off on a walk, read my book and just swam and enjoyed the water rather than adding the pressure of learning to surf,  I started it feel better.

 Soon enough  the new thoughts came in, so did the new experiences. And so my day is now concluding and I just came in from paddle boarding into the sunset, I even jumped off a big rock which was super scary! I felt great! 

And now reflecting on an emotion ridden day, non of it really bad, just emotional, and instead of thinking I wasted the day I really realise it’s all just been the blesssing of being human !