Feeling low in paradise 

Even in paradise days can be hard. I expected I would come away and start fresh and everything would be so smooth. But life doesn’t work like that and that may be the biggest lesson I’m learning. 

This is my view…….

But I’m not happy today. I feel lonely and frustrated and all over the place with my thoughts.  

I’ve left the big island for the weekend and am on Oahu! How lucky am I! 

I’m sitting on the beach next to pipeline, the beach where in November the wave will be so huge, like a tube and the best of the best will compete. 

However I’m here and I can only paddle out and not even catch a wave. There are 8 year olds carving up the waves and I can’t do it! I do know it’s ok. I wasn’t a kid surfing so how can I expect in two weeks of surfing that I will be out there in the big stuff! 
The passion people have for catching the next “big one” also makes them frustrated to teach a novice. They don’t want to miss out. I get that but ‘hey hey hey help me please’.

So I sit here and realise for nearly 5 weeks I’ve been out of my comfort zone. I’ve been staying in places I make sure I tidy my cup and fold my towel or walk around tip toeing in the eve so I’m not a sloppy house guest. A vast difference from living on your own m… And today this all hit me. I want to leave my dishes out, and washing on the floor! I want to be alone and not speak to another new person, I want a cuddle from my best friend and from my family. I want to drink prosecco!!! 

In all my learning though of the three principles I know my low feeling will pass and there is no point fighting it! I know this but need to live it and Just feel it. 

“Don’t you see, it is the thought that is the seed, the failure is the form. Without the thought it is virtually impossible to be  failure.” Second chance, Sydney Banks 

So I do not write this today to have a pity party or for people to feel sorry for me. I write it because it’s real. Life is real. The power of our thought is real wherever we are. We will always be ok. 

Just after these reflective moments I took off on a walk, read my book and just swam and enjoyed the water rather than adding the pressure of learning to surf,  I started it feel better.

 Soon enough  the new thoughts came in, so did the new experiences. And so my day is now concluding and I just came in from paddle boarding into the sunset, I even jumped off a big rock which was super scary! I felt great! 

And now reflecting on an emotion ridden day, non of it really bad, just emotional, and instead of thinking I wasted the day I really realise it’s all just been the blesssing of being human ! 



I’m at a beach which I just rode down to on the back of my friends scooter, with a watermelon cocktail in my hand! Just thinking about the week gone by whilst watching the sun set over another Monday in Hawaii. 

My weekend just gone was the most brilliant I have had. It was exactly what I imagined my experience here would include but was starting to question if it actually would.

On the Friday I went SUP”ing and after not seeing any dolphins I made my way back in! On the way back two ladies asked me to join them so I did, we paddled a mile and a half chasing some tourist diving boats and landed ourselves in the middle of around 20 spinners, baby’s too! 

The other two were so comfortable diving off their boards and swimming with the pods but I found it incredibly scary and just stayed close to my board. Although exciting it was a new freaky kind of feeling for me. 

So…… the next day my new friend (and what a total blessing she is to me) invited me to a snorkelling beach with her and some friends. Little did we all realise at the time of the now full moon, all the dolphins come to this bay to play! And wow what a few hours we had, there must of been about 40 dolphins doing their thing, one even spinning up 15 times for us, others playing with leaves that people passed to them! It was totally insane! 

I can’t describe the feeling of having these beautiful creatures swimming with you, the squeaky chatter of them echoing around you, them gliding below you only to fling themselves into a spin above the water moments later. It’s mind blowing. 

I can’t say I wasn’t anxious and totally comfortable but my swimming strength and my nerves in the water are getting better with each encounter in the big blue and could see a difference from my first dolphin swim to this one, with only 24hrs apart! 

On reflection I can say It made me feel like I was living. 

I felt alive. I felt high on life. I felt peace. I felt calm with where I was in the moment. I felt that my decision was so so right to do this trip. 

I feel happy! And The days following only got better too!!!! 


I can’t believe it when I wake up every morning  and I’m here. I do literally wake up and think what shall I do today… shall I snorkel, sup, surf or yoga! Which beach shall I visit, the rocky volcanic stone one or the sandy driftwood one. Shall I have coffee here or go to a cafe?! Shall I go find the dolphins today? Or go get smashed some more by the waves as I try again to surf! 

I was out in the ocean this week at 7.30am and I was one of 4 out there! I was in the small waves and I got up for the first time alone, it was awesome. You suddenly understand how the waves are working, or actually you feel it. I was standing up and riding the “mini” wave and it seemed like I was in it forever, then once I thought that I decided I would have to get off as this can’t be right! Hahah! Need to grow some more guts from somewhere! It is a relentless sport and for an hour or two of being out there it’s only one wave that may make you want to get back out or one wave that makes all the wipe outs worth it. It’s incredibly social too, everyone sits on their boards waiting and you get into some awesome conversations, the funny thing is you can be in a deep and meaningful and then one of you (usually not me) starts paddling hard and then they are off! Only to reunite once they paddle back out! 

Arms!!!!! Wow your arms! Burn burn burn! It’s like nothing you can imagine, and you can’t give up, your not in the bubble of the gym, a class where you can get out of a pose, your home or garden, you have to get to the waves and you have to get in! Your shoulders and arms ache, like a burning numb feeling, wet lettuces that just won’t go back to feeling like arms, your ribs are bruised and sore and your feet are cut from walking out over the rocks and catching them or coral when you fall! 

It’s so fun though! I don’t think I will ever be that great but I have to say I’m pretty proud that I’m even doing it! It looks so easy and “cool” but it’s the hardest thing! They say golf is 70+% mental but I rate surfing even higher! Totally in owe of the kids and people who just are so at one With their boards and the surf, it’s breathtaking! 

The thing I’ve learnt the most this week is that however perfect life may seem or however idilic the situation your in, you still have struggles, whether personal battles , external or just life hick ups! The biggest thing that my tiny time in the water being wiped out has taught me is… the more you struggle and panic the harder it all is and the longer the resolve takes, you do still get to the surface and you still get to paddle again but if you Just go with the breath of the waves, don’t pull on your leash to get you back to the surface just let the waves do it’s thing, it happens much smoother! So out of the water just let life’s wipe outs however big or small happen as in a very near moment the next wave will be there to catch and it will all be worth it! 

Vow to myself! 

I would rather pass my days lying in the middle of dirt roads, staring at the full moon with a bottle of summer red in my palms.
I would rather have kids when it suits me, not when society expects or throws shoulds.
I would rather live in a hammock on a beach for six months, and write like my soul means it.

I would rather be horribly broke at times, than married to a job because a mortgage payment has my ass on a hook.

I would rather own moments, than investments.
I would rather eat alone, than sit with women who bore me at “Wives’ Night.”

I would rather swim naked with bioluminescence, have it fall like fireflies from my hair, my breasts, my back.
I would rather do handstands naked in the moonlight when no one’s watching than pick bridesmaid dresses.

I would rather drink seven year old rum from a sandy bottle, smell of smoke and ash than sit in church.

I would rather learn from life than rack up debt, in a desk.

I would rather drink the ocean, again and again—celebrate being madly alive.

I would rather my love be defined by love itself, and nothing more or less.

I don’t need a ring on my finger to prove that I am in love.
I would rather take the chicken bus, than spend useless money in safe gated communities. Sit beside a goat, listen to raggaeton and eat green mango with sugar in a plastic bag sold from the woman who harasses the bus each time it stops.

I do not need a degree to prove that I am intelligent.

I do not need to own a piece of earth with some wood on top of it—to feel successful. No one truly owns the land, anyway—we just think we do.

My savings account has diddly to do with my richness.

I would rather sprawl my single ass out like a lioness each morning and enjoy each corner of my empty bed.

I will take a job I love and freedom over a pension, any day.

I will not work and work and work to live when my body is old and I am tired.

Stocks are for people who get boners from money.
Not everyone should have kids, and my eggs aren’t expiring.
I will not drink the societal Kool-Aid on a bus, nor will I drink it on a train.
Not on a plane, with a goat, in the rain, in the dark, in a tree, with a fox, in a box!
I will not jump through societies’ hoops and red tape, the treasure hunt in the rat race we chase.
If we must have milestones—mine will be measured by how much joy I have collected at the end of each day and how often in this life I have truly, deeply, opened.
Seek, see, love, do.

~ Janne Robinson ~

Swallowing the waves 

Although I’m still drifting to sleep feeling it would be easier to give up and never do it again…my day was as follows! 
Winding my way to my first surf lesson, my tummy is in knots but I’m super excited too. 

It’s 7am, I’ve been awake since 6 and tossed and turned all night with my whole body aching and freaking out about this morn! Yesterday I Sup’d for two hours then canoed, snorkelled and then went to yoga in the pouring rain, was ment to be relaxing but she was in boot camp mode!! Such an awesome day. I paddled further than I ever had along and it felt amazing! It was beautiful, vast and just so calming. 

So… My lesson! Hardcore! No beating around the bush! No nice intro! 9ft board and out to the area where the actual surfers go…not the surf schools!!
Paddle paddle paddle… Standddddd uppppppppp

Fuck fuck fuck, swallow water, try and breath under water, where the fuck is the sky, Jesus I’m up, I’m alive. I seriously thought I was Guna drown, under the water inhaling water then would rise and get smashed again! Holy shit another wave and I’m under again! Repeat this maybe 6 times, each time trying to stand and then smash! The last time I was screaming “come on come on your mine” half up then smash, I didn’t know when I was going to get up! 17 seconds later apparently…I popped up like a flapper fish got on the board and looked across at my buddy (maybe not so much anymore) and did the sign of slitting my throat. 

Paddled out south to the area where they teach and asked to sit with them. 

Was awesome, everything I imagined, out in the big blue all sitting on our boards having the perfect work day “board meeting”. I lined up for a wave but by this time I was feeling super weak but went for it and the board being a little heavy now I allowed it to flip up and got smashed around my head twice… I was done, I felt liberated that I had gone through my worst fears as I knew u had to go through it. Now I know what to expect.

So I leave the beach (beat, looking like shit as above but bloody proud)  and end up going for brunch with a guy I met out there, he’s traveling so was cool to talk and plan some adventures and more surf as island novices. 

I can’t explain my fatigue, I was shattered, my eyes wouldn’t stay open. It was like I was high, in a blur, like in a bubble where I just wanted to curl up and sleep for days.
But oh nooooooooooo. Off for round two after stuffing my face with fish, bananas and peanut butter (www.mani-life.com) washed down with a super strong Kona coffee! We are in the car on the way to another beach, I crash out, I’ve never passed out in a car but yes I did! 
Get to most stunning beach and I go slow, beginner waves AND I stand! Not well but I stood!


I feel awesome. Polar opposite experiences but if truth be told, i’ve essentially ticked off the things that scare me the most. Packing up my life, leaving my niece, my family,being away from my best friend, living off no money, being somewhere I know no one and pretty much being as far I could be from everything I’m used to. Along with the ocean and getting wiped out and feeling like I would die, or dying! But……. I’ve done it!!!!! I’m alive. 

I’m in bed finally, I can feel the leash on my ankle and the waves in my breath. My ribs are fucked, my knees are bruised and swollen, my toes have sea urchin spikes in them, I’m a little sun stroked and knackered,

I went back out and I could stand so it was ok and I was amongst the most insane power you could experience. Forget chasing money, your next car or next material piece, chase a challenge, push your self and everyday touch the ground! Touch the earth and feel it!!! 

In the words of my mumma “one life live it” and in two weeks I feel I am!!!! 

Paddling in a pod

Just a quickie but i paddled out this morning alone for the first time. I was just about to give up want was choppy and lots of boats out but challenged my self to go to a certain marker and round… 

And then a pod of dolphins decided to head my way! Flipping out of the water many times, slapping their tails! Little baby ones too! Was the most gob smacking time of my life! Stunning!!!! 

So now I have a waterproof case for my phone so I can take it and snap pictures! Roll on going out there again!!! 


Get ordering you peanut butter too…. It’s fueling my paddling and my trip!!! 

Storm blew the vibe I wanted…

The ocean! Let’s talk about that! So the reason I’m here this place of all is to fall in love with the sea. It’s scares me. It’s such a huge power. A energy source that’s greater than anything we can ever imagine. So why not challenge my biggest fear.

Look out at it when your there and realise how little we have conquered of it! It’s there infront of us but instead we are pinging more humans to space to explore. More people have been to the moon than have gone deep into the ocean!

I have been in the water everyday even for just ten mins and Today was what I came for. It was a perfect day! 
My new buddy and I  SUP”d (stand up paddle boarding) and snorkelled for an hour or so! It was great, I didn’t think I could do it but I totally loved it. Just sitting in the middle of the sea on the board getting your snorkel kit on then checking out the coral and fish then hopping back on a paddling to another area! It’s only a few hours later and my arms and ass hurt already! Super fun and a work out… We have a goal now to do a crow pose on the SUP… It’s hard enough on the ground…and with a kid on your back let alone a board on the choppy sea!!! 

Came back to the beach shack which was pack with everyone prepping for a big race tomorrow. The energy was insane so buzzy!

Then went with another guy for poke, raw tuna marinated! AMAAAAZZZZING!!!! We cycled there on those old school high handle bar bikes, surf culture dream was being lapped up😍😍😍

I then went to donation accupuncture! On the beach! (View below) You give what you can afford for treatment! Yoga is done the same way so it’s available to all! It’s brilliant!

The surf is up now after the storm… The vibe has changed and everyone is literally rushing to the beach, running up the roads with their boards on the heads just wanting to get out there! It’s so exciting! I drove and watched and then just drove around lapping up the atmosphere! 

The storm has defiantly bought the vibe I wanted to me!!! Loving life!!! So for now goodbye whilst I go for another dip! 

And yes I will be saying vibe, energy, totally etc etc and all that but with a full English accent too which seems to cause  everyone to take the mick! Try describing take the mick to someone who hasn’t heard that expression before…

Bifurcation station! 

A week passed since I left what I know. On the 7th day I felt like running home. Everything was so different, I had no routine, I couldn’t reach for my comfort blanket as the times are so different…

“Step out into the sun

Sky’s above me radiate me 

Lift up carry the love 

I’ve been out of my mind 

This slow life I’m waiting for you 

To swing me all of your life”

I took myself to an awesome coffee shop and just sat…. Then as I stood to go look at something so did a guy… The timing was exact so we both laughed. We talked for a bit! He asked permission to explain to me what he was feeling spiritually about where my life is! This place draws spiritual encounters and out going people daily!!!!

Your in you bifurcation stage. It may happen once to people maybe twice but even once is lucky. Bifurcation is in simple terms to divide into two parts.

He described it though as a white crystal that is neutral of colour but when a beam of light is aimed at it then all the colours of the rainbow appear and you can pick whichever colour, whichever level and line you want to take.
On other terms Yogi Berra, the baseball great who was always know for his quotes, is reported to have said, “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” Yogi’s advice might not offer much actual help when you actually are in a place of tough decision but at least we are reminded we have choices.

A road that bifurcates splits in two! 

It was awesome. I felt excited and now in control of myself now feeling I can embrace my huge “weather change” let everything be uncomfortable and trust that this feeling of lost is to enable me to find what I’m looking for! I have no idea what that is which as first freaked me out but now rather intrigues me, it has been an awesome adventure since that moment! And I have a cheeky feeling it’s not going to stop!!!!